I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
