An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
