woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
