I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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