I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
