That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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