We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
i think im in europe. pls send help
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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