The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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