i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
