god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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