Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
