they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
