My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
