Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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