My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
