A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
