You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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