that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
