You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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