If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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