The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
