Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
