Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I believe in your delicious
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I use my feet as sexual weapons
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
