he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
