Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
