I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
