Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
