I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
