btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
