Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Randomize
