from now on my penis is your penis
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
