So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
