theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
