this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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