my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
wow bdsm is so cute
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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