good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Randomize
