I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
