I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I wish i was in the wii world.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
