My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
So many bounce houses so little time
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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