Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
