I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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