my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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