i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
