Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
