Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
