Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
