You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
