my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
soo... how was my night?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
