Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Randomize
