You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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