Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
