In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
